Blog #14 People Who Know Me, People Who Think They Know Me, and People Who Don't.

When people know you they don’t judge or assume the worst, they don’t break you down instead of build you up, and they always try to understand you even when the understandable is out of reach. My feelings are often discontinued from my brain and are sprayed directly into my heart. My brain doesn’t do the thinking for me because my heart has always been the director. There are plenty of people in my life who’ve always understood me without even trying, and they’ve never tried to see the worst in me because they know that underneath my strong wall is that fragile place inside me where one hit could make me shatter. Not many people have seen beyond the wall I’ve built around myself, but those who have, have either embraced it or left it.

One person in particular has always seen the good in me, and never once has tried to break me apart. He knows who he is, but for his sake I won’t mention names. We’ve been through a lot together and even at the hardest of times, when I was at my most frustrating and vulnerable, he gave me second chances and always let me know he cared. I have a fickle heart that twists and turns and ceases to ever make decisions. My indecisive behavior has to bother him, even if he doesn’t say it. I think a lot about things, sometimes it’s easiest for me to just sit and watch others, instead of being in the spotlight. I find it’s easier to take everything in and soak it up for later, instead of letting it all out. I know who I am, and I know that I can be poetic and artistic, and he knows that as well. The special thing about my relationship with this person is that without even trying he can see right through me. The general idea of someone who knows you, is someone who can take it all in and then know exactly what to say next. Well, that’s another that separates him from everyone else. Most people like to hold in their feelings, but he and I have found trust in each other that allows us to say whatever we feel even if it could lead to the worst. He knows me, and wants to know me. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing that every morning I might see that one person who just happens to know me best without even trying.

Everyone has been in that position where picking who you want to be with, and who you should be with, are on two very different sides of your brain. For me, I’ve enjoyed plenty of fun combining the two sides even if it is, “playing with fire.” There’s one person who has always been a good friend to me, but it seems as if no matter how hard he tries, he can never seem to fully understand. I have pretty high expectations for friends, and the minute your below that expectation, it doesn’t take a lot of intelligence to realize where I’ve placed you. This person has done right by me, and even though we have some good times together I always find myself not really knowing where he stands in my life. I don’t trust him very much, even though anyone on the outside looking in would think differently. There are times when I find myself crossing the invisible line I’ve created for myself, and it always seems to end in disaster. No matter how much I try to convince myself that the next time with be different, I’m usually wrong. That’s the thing with people who think they know you. It not only affects how you think about them, but also how you think about yourself. They can change your mind about things and persuade you into doing what you don’t want. The one situation I keep getting mixed up in is when I’m just being moody and that person refuses to understand what’s going on. I’m a pretty up and down person, some might even call it minor bipolar, but most of my friends have got me figured out and handle my mood swings well. So why is it so hard to understand me for this one person, while everyone else has things figured out? If you’ve got a friend like this, and I’m sure you do, the best thing you can do is abandon them. It’s sounds harsh but it’s probably the best decision you will make. You’ll have less stress and overall you’ll be a much happier person.

Currently at my school, my eighth grade class is being falsely perceived as the grade with no leadership. I’ve been outraged since sixth grade, because since sixth grade we’ve been getting the same old talk. It’s a false accusation, and personally I’m offended. My teachers have always supported me in my decisions and have never judged or been disappointed in me, so why now is it so hard for them to stick up for us even though they know how much potential we have? I’m not the type of person who is willing to do just anything so that people can see me how they want to. I’m going to do exactly what I feel is right. If I had the opportunities that I wish I did, I would be more than happy to follow through with them. My one wish for my school is that the art program would become a whole lot better. It’s sad that I realized my passion for the visual arts in eighth grade, when I could’ve been a master by now if I had started learning a long time ago. I feel that if I wanted to create an art program with better art education, that no one would take me seriously. The poor view from teachers at my school is mostly coming from lower school. The lower school has not only, never met me, but they’ve never tried to meet me on a personal level. It’s saddening to hear that teachers are disappointed in my grades leadership skills because I know how much leadership there really is. Kids are different; they have different views, ways of learning, and ideas of what is fun and what is not. Whether or not it is the right thing to do or say, a kid of my creative level is not going to spend time doing the things that others expect of them (to a certain extent), but instead they are going to try to break from the status quo and do what makes them happy.

Blog #13 Stop Living In The Past, It's Time To Look Toward The Future

The past you won’t let me forget,

The feelings that I still regret.

I’ve realized that I’m hurting you,

Your heart was small,

But open too.

If I crushed and tore you without a pause,

I’m sorry, but I’ve got the sharpest of claws.

The past is gone,

And life goes on,

But from my heart,

You were never drawn.

-Alessandra Antonia Angelini

Why do people spend so much of their time thinking about the past? It seems stupid to me; what’s the point of having a future if the whole time you’re reflecting on the past? Some people take out the good in their life and replace it with bad memories and things that they regret. Granted, I have things I regret as well. Of course I have memories and thoughts from the past that I wish I could turn around and recreate. Of course that isn’t possible, so I might as well be excited for what’s to come. In my experience, I’ve been the girl that can’t make up her mind. I never knew what I wanted from life until the options suddenly disappeared, and my answers were forced at me. I deserved what I got, but the person who was affected did not. I know it’s bad to have regrets, but I’ve got them. When I think about what I regret and how I wish I could make the past better, I suddenly realize that if not for the past I wouldn’t have such a strong future. I hurt someone, and now that they are back in my life, I’m stronger than ever. Hopefully, that person would agree.

In my opinion, living in the past is the most awful thing you can do to yourself. Ultimately, in my experience, it’s made people forget how to trust. Sometimes the past is a good thing to reflect on, but then there are those awful moments when you suddenly remember how you felt at that time and you get that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach. You suddenly remember all of the things you wish didn’t happen, and you find yourself wondering how the other affected person must’ve felt. For me, I think I basically destroyed someone. Not to go into too much detail, but to this day, the past has been haunting me and I can’t seem to forget it. No matter how much I try to think of the good things that came out of my past, it’s hard to forget the bad. In the moments I feel I’m on the brink of completely exploding and having to pour out all of my feelings, I remember that at this very moment…I couldn’t be happier.

If I were to give any advice in the world, which would require scanning through tons and tons of advice gathered and created in my mind from the day I was born, I’d say that in order to live your life to the fullest, you have to learn from your past. I learned that happiness is something you have to work for, and cannot be gained by the sympathy of others. It’s important to remember what you have, because if you ever think you don’t need it anymore, you might end up realizing that you still need it and always will.

 “If you love someone, you will let them go. If they come back, they were always yours, if they don’t they never were.”

Blog #12 My Fashion "Two-Sense"

Individuality, for me, has come from various topics, people, and experience, but one of the main things that has driven me to become my own person, is fashion. In an article from, www.ehow.com , there is argument over peer pressure and making a social statement.  It is a short article, but it grasped me because I’ve always looked at fashion in a good, self-creating way, but this article forced me to look beyond that. The first thing this article pinpoints is how fashion can make a social statement. It goes into further detail of how a person can create their own identity based on the clothing they wear. The article also talks about the pros and cons of fashion, and how it is shaping society.

Identity and self-reflection is often a factor when putting together one of my outfits. The pros of fashion are that it gives me the opportunity to show who I am. I know that if someone were to ask me who else takes part in flaunting his or her style, I’d immediately answer, Lady GaGa. Though I am not a fan of Lady GaGa, I will admit that I admire her for her style and ability to see past what others might view her as. I’ve found it rather easy to put together outfits that reflect how I’m feeling or who I am in general. I think if I were to put my style into a category, I’d call it Boho Sheek. I know that “boho” and “sheek” are words that people make fun of a lot of the time, but in all honesty, that’s exactly the type of clothes I wear. I never really try too hard to impress people with my clothes, but at the same time I feel that I try and look classy and elegant too.

Above, I mentioned Lady GaGa and her impact on me because of her style. I had stated that I admired her for her ability to overlook other’s thoughts and do what she wanted instead. Celebrities are of great influence to me. Celebrities set fashion trends in the “Hollywood” world that teenagers like to copy with a hint of their own style. Without celebrities there would be a lack of a large majority of trendsetters. There are a lot of businesses created by celebrities showing their own personal style, and without those businesses, that style would not be shown.

There are many cons to fashion, but the ones of most importance to me in particular, are peer pressure and the rebellious acts brought out by fashion. In a teenager’s life there are many times of pressure, and the provoking thoughts brought to someone because of parents, classmates, and even teachers. Many kids like the sense of freedom and often instead of being admired for having a look to call their own, kids are ridiculed because of the outfits of their choice. These kids could feel stressed and humiliated to the point of even an extreme like suicide. Rebellion is an aspect of a child’s life turned to when they feel the need to break out of their comfort zone and attempt a new way of life. When what that child is doing becomes frowned upon, they could feel moved to do it more, furthermore causing issues. For example, if a certain type of family believes that it is more appropriate to wear uniforms to school as opposed to a different outfit every day, the child in that family might feel persuaded to break the rules and do what they choose.

It’s difficult for me to create a cons perspective on fashion. I’ve never looked at expressing myself through clothing as bad thing because I rely on my clothes to tell a story each and every day. Fashion is a way of self-expression and should be something people can use to their advantage. This has been the pros and cons of fashion, and now you know my fashion “two sense.”

            

Blog #11 Who Will Be The Politician?

Growing up I always wanted to be something spectacular; to grow up and one day be someone that everybody knows, everybody loves, and a role model to those growing up to be the same. The jobs kids dream of being often range from astronaut, model, singer, rock-star, doctor, teacher, pilot, firefighter, police officer, all the way to superman, bat man, cat woman, captain America, and even wonder woman. But has anyone ever mentioned politics? Of course there’s been the idea of being President one day, but has anyone actually thought about what that might mean? 

            I have a lack of confidence in the youth of today when it comes to the topic of politics and what our country will be like based on the minds of this generation. The reason is because I, along with many other kids, have no desire or drive to run a country slowly crumbling into dust. I realize that things can be fixed, but who has the guts to fix them? I feel like kids today don’t believe a lot of the things that adults seem to be drawn to. Between my friends and I, we’ve come to a decision that fairness should be possible, but is almost virtually impossible. How could the world be fair if so many people refuse to be agreeable? The idea of agreeing on one thing as a world, and as a country, seems to the dim-minded an easy concept. But to those of us who realize what has been portrayed in other countries and places around the world and even in America, the idea is anything BUT an easy concept. So how can the President manage to make decisions that this United States can agree on? Or does he not? Does he really just do what the majority agrees on, although the rest think it is or isn’t best? Unfortunately I’ve come to the conclusion that the President must do what he and the rest of his political party believe is right, but when it comes down to it… is that really fair?

When I grow up… I want to be the editor in chief of Vogue Magazine. My passions are art, fashion, and writing, so that job seems absolutely perfect. But, if I’m doing my fabulous job as editor in chief of Vogue Magazine, then who will be the politician?

Blog #10 Stepping Behind The Camera

You know that single perfect moment where you feel special? Usually, it’s when the spotlight is directly on you, and every eye can’t bear to look away from you. For me, it’s that moment when my finger pushes down on the black button on my camera. It’s that moment when the picture comes out beautiful, and it’s like a piece of you has been saved into a card soon to be plastered all over my photo wall. My photo wall is a wall in my room where I tape all of my favorite pictures taken. I save them there so that whenever I feel upset or like every piece of me has been sucked out, I can look and see that I’ve got a whole lot more left to offer this world. That wall represents everything I am, and everything I hope to be. The spots filled with pictures are the areas where my eyes have traveled, and the areas which lack photographs represent the places my eyes are soon to travel.

            I don’t know why, but for some reason taking a picture, and being able to have a tiny piece of me  shown in that picture, is the thing that most makes me feel amazing. I always feel like I can do more with my life when I realize that my past has been further presented in the pictures from my past.

            My life behind the camera is dramatic, bold, and filled with passion. My life in front of the camera is shy, wandering, and overflowing with the longing to step behind the camera and press the button, in order to have that little piece of me splashed into my brain. I feel emerged in grace when I hear the click and that picture pops up onto the screen. Then when I step in front of the camera I’m taken back into a dark place where light ceases to exist. I have no idea who I am when the flash blinds my eyes, but when I see others blinded all of a sudden everything goes from blurry to clear.

            My eyesight has been dreadful almost my entire life. In class, often times I’m forced to embarrass myself and ask the teacher what he or she has just written on the board. It also isn’t the best of times when you go for your eye exam during Spanish class just to be humiliated because a group of guys has just realized your vision is at a lacking, 20/50. It hasn’t been too easy to look in front of the lens, but when I’m placed behind the lens and am able to look directly through it, free to zoom as I wish…I see better than I ever did. Life is better with a camera at my side because without it, I would unfortunately be unable to see anything.  

Blog #9 The Perception of Perfection

The perception of perfection is most often times when a person needs never to work for their looks or personality because it has been given to them naturally. To me, the idea of perfection is when a person can love who they are, what they represent, and how they treat others without question.  Perfection, more times than none, is about looks. If a person can wake up in the morning looking flawless and beautiful, or can just throw on any outfit and look amazing, well, I guess that’s perfection. But, if a person has to work for that flawless face and can’t just throw on any old outfit, then is that not perfection? I don’t believe that someone should work for hours on impressing people and looking flawless. I think people should be able to embrace who they are so that they can show off that “all natural” look that people strive to have.

            In my pictures I worked very hard to set up the worldly perception of perfection. On the left is the girl who owns a lot of makeup and doesn’t leave home without all of it packed on her face. Makeup is one of those things that girls feel like they need to wear, but a lot of times look better without. I, for one, wear makeup and personally, I feel prettier when I wear it. I’ve never viewed myself as a “flawless” and “perfect” person, but that doesn’t mean I think I’m not beautiful. I don’t want to sound immodest, but I believe that beauty can either be hidden or flaunted, and I chose to flaunt it. On the right is the girl who stresses over her looks and has yet to figure out what she’s going to wear to school. Why do people try so hard to impress people with their outfits? I mean yes, I go to school trying to look my best and to wear the outfits that make me feel pretty, but I still want to be comfortable! I REFUSE to wear anything I’m not comfortable in. But obviously, the girl in the picture is desperate to impress anyone, so she works for hours finding that perfect outfit when in the end she’s still unsatisfied with who she is. I know plenty of girls who think they aren’t pretty enough, or don’t have the personality to impress those around her, and I think it’s awful and unattractive! When a girl constantly complains about her looks and about what she doesn’t have, as opposed to what she does have, well let’s just say…that’s the girl on the right.

Perfection isn’t real. It doesn’t matter what people think about you, it matters what YOU think about you. If you let people push you around and make you feel like nothing, then you WILL feel like nothing. You have to be strong and keep your head high, because you are beautiful. People in the world view things different, people view perfection differently. It all depends on people’s perception of perfection.

Blog #8 When The Innocence Fades...Where Does It Go?

            Recently for me, it’s been a game of, “what if?” because I’m yet to discover so many things. Being in eighth grade I’m only inches away from entering a completely new school and having to make many new friends without leaving others behind. It’s a scary experience that has concealed me into being a child again in order to keep myself from letting go of who I used to be years ago. My cousin currently is at my house along with the rest of my family, and she has successfully shown me exactly what it’s like to be a kid. She lets herself go without any worry at all, and she allows herself to take risks. I’m afraid to wonder what she’ll be like in a few years because what if she’s different? What if she grows up into being a person that no longer takes challenges, and what if she forgets that pure innocence that makes her so real? I hope so much that she doesn’t forget the beauty of childhood.

            What happens when people get older? I’ve completely overlooked my childhood and honestly, I forget what it was like to run around in diapers without a care in the world. Maybe I’m being too “old soul,” but I really haven’t a clue what it was like. Now in my life I’ve experienced so much and I look at the world in a completely different way then I recall ever doing. Where did my innocence and my thoughtless actions go? Did I just push them aside to be left in the cold, or do people naturally long to grow older and become wiser? I have so many unanswered questions that I feel I should no the answer to, but really…does anyone have answers?

            I’m typing this at 9:34 PM, and at this exact time I sit at my dinner table wondering if Skyy, (my cousin) will ever think like I do, or if she will ever look at the world with eyes that see just as I see.

           

“Child of innocence, I miss your sunny days We joyously frolicked in extended plays Ever since you've left the scene The streets are lonely, dark and mean Child of innocence, return to me now With your simple smile show them how This world once again can respond to your glance And heartbeats flutter to the rhythm of your dance Child of innocence, your elegance, your beauty Beckons me now beyond the call of duty Come fly with me far and above Over the mountains in the land of love Child of innocence, messenger of joy You've touched my heart without a ploy My soul is ablaze with a flagrant fire To change the world is my deepest desire.”

~Heather Stephens

            I long to change the world and to live with that pure innocence of a child but still to be wise and mature. “Child of innocence, return to me now. With your simple smile show them how. This world once again can respond to your glance. And heartbeats flutter to the rhythm of your dance.” I’ve comprehended this quote as best as I can, and I’ve come across a message that I disregarded when first reading the poem. That quote means that when you’re a child you simply live and you don’t need the materialistic items we strive for today. When you’re a child people follow you in wonder. As an adult, perform like a child, or you will forever see the world as an un-opened book.